What Was That?!

I remember January 2010. I was excited. I took the day off to celebrate my birthday. Jan was definitely a happy month. Then Feb came along and the chips turned. My childhood BFF became a widow from a freaky mo'bike accident, just like that Adnan was gone. And the year took on a new feel, a heaviness that was well, heavy. I kept thinking of Kwix and Iraq and wishing him well. March was great, he got out of Iraq, safe and sound. There was a collective sigh of relief. I don't remember much else apart from planning end March to go on safari. April ambled in and off we went to Baringo, laughter, jokes, serious confessionals from the long drive seemed inevitable. Well, hell broke loose from a simple phone.....a phone call that I thought was bringing me Easter greetings and.....some twenty years later that was the end of my fabulous trip to Baringo...... Kwix was dead. I still remember the pain in the pit of my womb and the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I am not sure what happened in May 2010, I was in a kind of daze and I made plans to move.....didn't know where. June found me living with Suzs and it was fabulous. And as we were settling in, I remember a conversation with my big brother.....mundane conversation about bills and how goes life.....the calls you handle casually, always assuming that there will be a next time. That was on Monday in July. Suddenly it was Wednesday and he was in hospital and Friday we were talking with Suzs, trying to get to move him to another hospital and suddenly I wrote in my office diary 'Yeah though I walk
through the valley of death, I will fear no evil' and a very uncanny peace came over me. It was about 10.30am and the phone call came and yes, he was gone. I took a deep breath and drew strength from God knows where and went off to pick up Suzs and my other siblings. I wasn't going to cry.....I couldn't afford to cry anyway, not in the office, in the presence of everyone and definitely not before the family gathered. The tears came, gut wrenching tears and I missed John all over again.....some twenty years later...an older brother who was gone before I got to know him. And just when I was thinking the pain was over.....Dec rolled in and death showed up again and took my Suzs, just as unexpectedly.

Now as I struggle to understand 2010, to make sense of the pain, I find myself referring to the Book of Job in the Bible – Job3:4-10 and want to paraphrase to 'May 2010 be forgotten, may it be erased from
existence'. Yet, it's the same year that I have made some deep emotional connection without fear or strife. Unfortunately, the pain has overshadowed all the fabulous moments of 2010 and all I am left with are questions that beg for answers yet I know they will not make sense. So, the biggest questions is, 'Is there really a bigger picture or is it a bigger frame?' I still don't get it.

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