Ramblings on Mother's Day
When I finally become a mum, it took awhile for enormous task before me sank in; zilch social life, sleepless nights, unkempt hair, ugly looking clothes, figuring out what each cry represented. Was he wet, hungry, warm enough, or just enjoying the power he had over me, knowing each cry will have me running to his side, that I will pick him and give him my warmth, my love, my smile even though I was dying to scream, and best of all a nipple to suckle on happily. I remember looking at my own mother then and a sense of awe came over me; she had done this eight times. I asked her how she managed, how could she have done it and never lost her head and walked away. I wondered whether I would make it. Did I have it in me to give my son everything he needed, wanted? Did I know how? You see, been a mother is the most amazing learn as you go job that any woman will ever undertake. This is where the most objective, intelligent woman becomes all mush and makes decisions that are so emotional, she stops to figure out what happened to her. You walk the floor when they won't sleep due to colic and you still walk it when they go for that first sleep over; camp; first day at boarding school and on their first date, wondering if they will make it home in one piece.
Well, I have been on this job for nine years so far. The journey has been amazing. There are moments when I wonder if am fit for the job, when I make decisions and wonder if I really know what I am doing. Still there are days when I do allow myself to forget that I am a mother and reach out for my mother so that she can baby me and I allow her to nourish me; teach what she has learnt during her years of motherhood and its a rich well of nearly fifty years. She talks to me and tells me what I should do with my life, what I should wear or shouldn't wear; whether I should really be dating that man or hanging out with that friend. Best of all, she applauds my efforts and gives me the encouragement to get up and give life a go. Then she gently pushes me back into my life and reminds me that I am needed by my son; that I can do this or that when I listen to that still small voice, I will move in the right direction and give my son not just what I thought possible.
So here I go again, reaching for my mother in my quest to be a great mom; taking that which will work for my son, loving my mother for who she made me into, forgiving her for that which I feel wronged and sidelined. And so I continue into this adventure, where I will make the right decisions but also accepting that I really don't know it all.
